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First Times: How I Met My Ketubah
I have to admit that when Nishima and I were getting married, I never gave a second thought to ketubahs. I knew about ketubahs: I had seen my parents' black and white photocopied ketubah from 1964. I'm sure I had stared at ketubahs in synagogue gift shops. But when it came time to needing one myself, I guess I just assumed that our Rabbi would magically wisk one out from inside his jacket on our wedding day. It was Nishima in her usual studious way who delved deeply into the study of ketubahs and ketubah texts. "What do you mean, we can have an artist make our ketubah?" I remember thinking when Nishima told me that she wanted a custom ketubah. "Is that even possible? Do people make ketubahs? I thought ketubahs only came premade." Nishima patiently explained to me that yes, there was such a thing as a Ketubah Artist who designed and created custom ketubahs. (Ah, Irony. Who knew that I was marrying a soon-to-be ketubah artist?) The next big shock was when Nishima told me that she and our Rabbi were altering the standard ketubah text to bring it more in line with our views of modern, egalitarian marriages "What do you mean, you're rewriting the ketubah text?" I remember thinking. It sounded like she was proposing rewriting the Constitution, or worse - the Torah. Could we really do that? Wouldn't we get in trouble? Visions of black hatted Rabbis with long beards knocking on our door, demanding to examine our ketubah. My misgivings aside, Nishima pushed ahead and working with Rabbi Stone and created a personal document that was still seeped in halacha (Jewish law) and tradition. And again, I admit that I had little or nothing to do with it. Yes, I spent hours agonizing over our play-list and days reworking our wedding program. But when it came time to co-authoring the central document of our marriage, I just didn't participate. Now, having worked with many, many happy Couples on custom ketubah texts, I feel like I missed out on a wonderful opportunity. Writing a ketubah text together can be a wonderful opportunity for a soon-to-be-wed couple to put in writing the conversations that they are no doubt already having. What is our vision of a Jewish home? If we are planning of having children, how shall we raise our children? What do we expect of each other? Of ourselves? The text of a ketubah is a promise made by the Groom to his Bride (and in modern texts, the Bride to her Groom) of how he will care for her, respect her and keep her. When I read our Ketubah today, I see Nishima's personal stamp on the text. But my voice is absent. I wish that at the time I had understood the value of reworking the text and had participated in the process. While I understand that this is not for everyone, I hope that in the future, more couples become aware of the possibility of writing custom ketubah texts and that more Grooms and Brides take on the joyful challenge of putting the vision of their relationship into words. |
